As a kid it was very apparent that I was musically inclined. It was hard enough to get me to sit still but to demanding my silence was way too much to ask. If I wasn’t humming whatever tune fluttered around my head I was belting my favorite pop song with some added riffs. Fast forward to today and I think I’m going to start doing the same thing with this blog. 

Two more weeks until I taste freedom.

It wasn’t long after my childhood began that it ended. Since I remember I’ve been living for someone else. I mean the center of my life, my motivation, my focus and my love was dedicated to somebody else. That all changes in two week. I’ve got a new job, new house, new everything. I’m incredibly nervous, not so much that I’ll miss the people that I’m leaving behind (no matter what they’ve done to me) but how it’s all going to work out. Am I going to have enough money for the clothes I need for my new job, for furnishing in my new bedroom, what if my car stops? who do I call? These are the types of things that float around my head as an adult. I was a happy child. Ignorant, but happy. I was blissfully unaware of the pain I would feel as the people and places I grew up loving would become the very demons that would torment me. “To get yourself A new life you have to give the other one way.” - A simple enough concept but one that took me 2 years to learn and fully understand. I have now come to see that “Life in Eden has changed” that I have to let go of the situation that at one point in time was good for me, that sustained me and that at one point in time I might have called paradise. That same situation is no longer working for me and I have to rid myself. I have to leave Eden.

(Source: Spotify)


It took me a while, but I have learned to “trust the process”.
To trust my life. To trust my decisions and my instinct. To trust me.

I celebrated a minor step forward yesterday and was met with encouragement from a total stranger. It’s all about progress!” she said, and that really is true. The beginning and end are important, but there is no story at all without the middle.

So I have learned to appreciate the frustration that comes when I try to tackle something new. The discontentment I experience when I don’t move forward as quickly as I think I should. The anger that freezes my lips when I know what I want to say, but not how to say it. The sadness cloaked around my heart when I disappoint myself. The times when it feels like all I’m doing is treading water or running a hamster wheel. Every piece of what I go through – every lesson I learn – it all has meaning.

Those trying moments are signs of growth. They are drops in the ocean of my purpose. When I try to shortcut the process, I lose my ocean. I dry up. What I end up producing is smaller that it could have been and less great than it should have been.

Skipping to the front of the line teaches me about privilege, not patience. Letting procrastination push me around in circles ultimately means that it takes longer and more energy to get to the same destination. Anyone who creates knows the uniquely sickening sensation of avoiding the work we were born to do. It is really that simple, and that difficult.

A few years ago I lost about 100lbs and I don’t really like to talk about my weight much, I was teased pretty brutally by family and friends to the point that when this transformation is brought up today I quickly change the subject. When I decided to take control of my health, I didn’t set a “size” goal. I didn’t want to lose X pounds or melt away X inches. I knew that given other health complications I couldn’t go on the way I was. It took so much hard work and this battle is far from over. Trying to shortcut this process would have meant losing weight quickly and relatively easily through surgery or pills or whatever new concoction big pharma has come up with lately. It would have meant looking thinner, but not better. It would have meant that I didn’t go through the shit I needed to go through in order to really understand my body.

It all goes back to trusting myself. I know that I have good sense. I understand the things I’ve messed up – and not just how I messed up, but how I got in those situations to begin with and how I can avoid them in the future. I am critical of myself, but not unfair. I am resilient. I know that I can do anything, but I also know how to lean on friends and family when I really need them. I trust my process. I trust the life that I’ve been given.

Most importantly, I am not afraid of setbacks or failure. I am only afraid of dying a puddle instead of the ocean I was built to be.

Tags: personal 22

Good Music

I said to someone last night that the thing that makes pop music so amazing, to me, is its universality; the breadth of its reach. The best pop song makes everyone feel something, no matter how mulishly resistant to its impact they might be. Music is a tool to enhance or alter my emotional experience: To make me feel a sadness more deeply, or to shift from melancholy into hope, or to take some ebullient joy and make the euphoria of it even finer. It doesn’t always work, but often, or usually, it does.

Anyway, on a day like today, I just think we could all use a good song or two. Something about sadness, something about hope, something about things not being dark all the time.

Tags: me personal music


tumblr users outside of tumblr

(Source: jakeparalta, via tyleroakley)



that settles it, i’m a nicki fan.

bitch, excuse me?

(Source: nickimlnaj)



What if verbal abuse left the same scars as physical abuse? Would it be taken more seriously? That’s what photographer Richard Johnson hopes to accomplish with his new photo project, “Weapons of Choice.”

The series uses a makeup artist to put bruises and scars on photo subjects. Embedded in these violent marks are some hateful words typically associated with abuse, such as “Stupid,” “Dumb,” “Trash” and others that are much, much worse.


(via derektyler)

Tags: important


Mindy went on to say, “I’m afraid a couple of you are probably evil — that’s just the odds.” So watch the full Harvard Law School commencement speech here. 

Lupita Nyong’o hits the beach in Wailea, Hawaii on June 4, 2014 

Lupita Nyong’o hits the beach in Wailea, Hawaii on June 4, 2014 

(Source: robertdeniro, via crissle)

Tags: sigh